Lost Time

Edward Norton/Aaron Stampler in Primal Fear

In a 1996 thriller, Primal Fear, Edward Norton plays Aaron Stampler (aka Roy). I won’t give you anything, for it’s a twisty film that’s worth its payoff, but I will reference a phrase poor Aaron uses: Lost Time.

Aaron claims that he experiences Lost Time in what appears to be a multiple personality disorder episode. It’s frustrating for him because he has absolutely no reckoning with that time, no memory of it whatsoever. His episodes of lost time are typically spurred by high emotion.

Looking back on my life, I am increasingly angry.

I feel now, upon reflection, that I’ve experienced Lost Time, myself.

It’s nothing like Aaron Stampler’s situation, of course. I just am discovering just how much I missed and how helplessly I reacted to those lost years. I’m not wishing for a do-over, for I have a fantastic family and a wonderful life. I don’t think I could have it much better (outside of a few missteps that—I guess—built character).

I suppose all that is in our past is lost. There’s no recouping what has gone before. There’s really no purpose in lamenting it or being angry about it. Quite simply: it is gone.

Still…I’m mad. I’m mad at a professor who crushed my spirit and told me I was never going to achieve my dreams and honestly rerouted my entire life. From his smirking face and caustic commentary, I interpreted that my entire life was misdirected, that I was kidding myself that I could even pretend to be a writer…and so I gave it up for LITERAL DECADES. I didn’t even tell people that I continued to write. It took me some big mojo to overcome pain aversion to the point I started this last campaign (with this website, facebook page, and publishing books).

I had to slap back my monsters, and at times they still creep up on me.