Overwhelm

Overwhelm may be self-sabotage. I arrive at this because I recently divested myself of over half of my worldly possessions, and yet I am still crushed by the burden of what I still have.

I reduced my work obligations radically, and as it is spring break, I really have nothing pressing down on me. It is all self-imposed.

Once I heard that anger was just a mask for other emotions simmering beneath it. I think feeling depressed may be similar. Underneath depression, I am finding creepy supports, like inadequacy and overwhelm.

So I do think I need to treat overwhelm with care. I need to find a pattern interrupt or a way to deconstruct overwhelm.

Right now, I find it to be soul crushing, suffocating the joy out of everything.

I’ve tried making lists to decipher just what it is that feels so overwhelming. Guess the results? Yes, more overwhelm! Naming the things makes them all the more real, ever-more demanding of my time.

I’ve tried taking on any single task, thinking it might be a step in the right direction. Result? I chide myself later for wasting time on that task when x, y, and z tasks have gone neglected. It’s like my retrospective self has no governor, no common sense, no ability to rationalize that I cannot multi-task or create more time.

I’ve tried scheduling, on the advice that if I can partition these unnamed goonies into some parts of the day, then I might reserve the rest of the day for my pleasure. That of course fails me, for during the sacred times, overwhelm knocks on the partition, reminding me of the burdens on the other side.

I’ve tried prioritizing based on burden, urgency, necessity…and I’ve tried knocking out a ‘fun’ or simple task list hoping to skim some off the top. I’ve been told this starts momentum, and that kickstarting inertia into kinetic action is key.

That’s probably the most close I’ve been able to get to progress. Even if it doesn’t affect my mood, it may shorten the to-do list. What I’ve also discovered is that, regardless of the task, if I can just do it, do something, do anything I can find relief.

The trick is to not allow myself to reflect or dwell on it. Just keep doing. Just keep moving. Just keep swimming.

Otherwise, I fall right back into the subroutines of:

“It’s never enough.”

“It’s not going to matter.”

“You misplaced your energy.”

“You cannot win.”